Why Setting Boundaries is Hard for Women

Setting boundaries is essential for your self-worth, your happiness, and your physical and emotional safety. But, all too often, women find it hard to set boundaries. Excessive feelings of guilt and selfishness cause us to deny what’s best (or safe) for us in order to serve others.

Setting boundaries is essential for your self-worth, your happiness, and your physical and emotional safety. But, all too often, women find it hard to set boundaries. Excessive feelings of guilt and selfishness cause us to deny what’s best (or safe) for us in order to serve others.

I’m so grateful for my business that allows me to work at home, and the flexibility of homeschool so my kids and I could help my friend in her time of need.

Why setting boundaries is essential.

We had about 6 hours’ notice before we picked up the girls. For a moment, I panicked about not having enough time to finish everything that “needed” to be done, like clean the house. Because here’s the thing: I have a lot of strengths. But keeping my house clean is not one of them 🙂  I admit it. Between running my business, helping out with my hubby’s biz, homeschooling, violin classes for my daughter, volunteer work with my church and about a thousand other things that all moms take care of on a daily basis, I simply can’t do it all. Picking up my house daily (ok, even weekly) is one of those things I’m willing to let slide. Besides, it’s job security for our house cleaner 😉 (Oh wait, that only works if we actually hire one…)

That being said, however, I DO believe strongly in making guests feel welcome. I was raised to go the extra mile for them. Clean all the nooks and crannies that are normally overlooked. Put out the best sheets and towels. Make special meals. You get the picture.

But, I only had 6 hours. I could have cleaned the entire house and made everything spic and span. But I knew my body would hate me for it the next day. I’d be wiped out, in pain, and in a bad mood. Not a pretty sight. And not a good way to welcome to young, homesick girls.

So I washed my daughter’s sheets and helped her clean her room. The girls needed a place to sleep after all, and my daughter’s room perpetually looks like a tornado hit it. I also went to the grocery store, so the girls could eat while they were here. That one’s kind of important, ya know?

My daughter’s bathroom desperately needed to be cleaned. (I don’t know how that girl gets toothpaste behind the door!) And the place needed a good vacuum. But I didn’t do either one. Instead, I made a decision to take care of myself so I could take care of the girls.

Let me tell you, it was hard to set that boundary. It went against my upbringing. But it was in line with one of my core values: people before things.

My good friend and colleague, Pamela Zimmer at DreamBelieveBe.com, graciously reminded me that “no one will remember the dirty bathroom, but they will remember how you helped them out in an emergency.”

Exactly.

But several years ago, I couldn’t have made that decision.

Why setting boundaries is hard for women

For much of my life, I was too wrapped up in other people’s opinions of me to set a boundary like the one I did this week. I was too afraid that people would judge me, and my self-worth was tied to people’s approval. More importantly, though, I was also taught to put other people’s needs ahead of my own. Or more honestly, to meet other people’s needs instead of my own. To sacrifice myself for their sake.

While this advice was well intended, I believe it was part of the reason I allowed a pattern of abuse to continue in my life, even after my family moved away from my first abuser. Put their needs/wants/desires ahead of your own. Deny yourself. Don’t be selfish.

It may seem extreme, but it’s all too common.

Many of the women I coach express a similar upbringing, which they believe led, at least in part, to the trauma they experienced.

A misplaced sense of obligation to others.

An inability to say “No.”

A disappearing to self in a way that’s unhealthy and harmful.

If any of that sounds familiar, know this: You aren’t a prisoner to the things other people say you “should” do.

One of the first steps to reclaiming your personal power is to establish clear, firm, loving boundaries. And by loving, I mean loving to yourself as well. You are just as important as everyone else of having your needs met.

Question your “shoulds.” Where did they come from? Are they your beliefs, or someone else’s? If they’re not yours, you’re free to let them go so you can live in alignment with your own core values. Sometimes, you just gotta ignore what your Momma told you.

Do you have trouble setting boundaries that are loving to yourself? What beliefs do you need to give up in order to set those healthy boundaries?